Unexpected Turns

This post is a more personal one. One about how unexpected life can be. Just as it is now for many of us. It is one of how unexpected turns can offer amazing opportunity for growth and self discovery.

In January 2018 my son (who was 7 months old at the time) sustained a major ischemic stroke. No known cause. He was completely healthy before the stroke and aside from epilepsy (developed secondary to the stroke) has been healthy since. The first 72 hours we did not know if he would live or die. It was by far the scariest time of my life. He went to bed the night before our healthy, smiley little boy and the next morning everything changed.

We were in the ICU for a week, Neurology unit for an additional week and then in-patient rehab for three months before we returned home. It has been outpatient rehab a few times a week since that time and will continue for the indefinite future. This is our new normal. He now lives with hemiplegia that will in some way remain for life but he can do many of the same things as his peers. He remains as smiley as ever. I am a very proud parent.

That experience changed me to my very core. As a mother and as a clinician. I changed in an instant. The fear of losing a child, and the new reality of caring for a child with special needs in addition to an older toddler was a lot to handle. It had a huge impact on my family and my own mental health.

In a crisis I become a ‘doer’. I’m the one that people turn to for the answers. I remain calm, cool and collected. I write notes, I ask questions. I tend to ‘hold it all together’. It wasn’t until about 6 months after the stroke, a few months after we returned home that I truly started to process what happened to our family and the fear was crippling. It stopped me in my tracks and prevented me from moving, literally.

At that time I knew this wasn’t something I just needed help with physically, I needed to talk it out. With someone that wasn’t in it with me. With someone who didn’t want to problem solve the issues away to spare me the struggle. I needed someone who wasn’t going to protect me from the truth or step in to save to day. I needed to grow from the experience and learn how to be the best version of my new self. I also wanted to use this experience to help others. I couldn’t possibly be the only caregiver who was on a journey that took an unexpected turn. This process ignited a new passion for my career.

So now, during such an unprecedented time I decided to write this post with a more personal tone because I believe it is important to talk about how we are doing, really. I believe in order to be a good clinician I need to walk the walk. This quarantine has been such an opportunity for practicing gratitude. I’m so grateful for my kids, our health, our home, our jobs etc. Simultaneously I’m stressed out and anxious. My fuse is shorter than ever, I’m more critical of myself as a parent and I am lacking energy and drive to be the creative and fun mom I aspire to be. I’m worried about my daughter being out of school and my son missing so much therapy. I worry about their return to school and what that will look like. The reality is, this is hard. I use my tool box of coping skills and always work towards being as positive as possible but some days it is a struggle. A real struggle. Some days it’s about making it to bedtime and starting again the next day. It’s about acknowledging how we are doing, really and finding appropriate supports as needed. Prioritizing self care from time to time is important.

So for any of you that are finding the struggle in life right now please know you’re not alone. Our experiences are unique, and struggle/suffering is subjective, but it’s all relative and valid. Now is a time for compassion for others and ourselves. I invite you to ask yourself, how are you, really? What do you need to feel better? Don’t be afraid to ask for it. It’s there if you need it.