Years End

I set out several important goals for myself in 2020. Things did not go according to plan. At all.

Over the past several months I have taken an unexpected leave from this blog and my business. In the spring of 2020 my youngest son who I have mentioned in a previous post began having what is referred to as an ‘epileptic explosion’. He went from having what I thought was one, small seizure to over a dozen per day in a short period of time. The independence he worked so hard to attain was whisked away from him. He became unsteady on his feet, he needed constant supervision and had to be an arms length away at all times. My daughter yet again felt neglected because her brother was getting so much extra attention. I (like many) was stuck at home and under strict lock-down orders from a global pandemic, attempting to work two part-time jobs, home school my eldest, maintain the home while my husband worked (essential service) and for the first few months could not have any contact with family or friends for support. I felt the weight of my world sitting on my chest.

Work was an opportunity to focus on something else other than the life I was currently living. But I felt myself feeling more emotionally drained by the end of each day. Self-care was not providing the rejuvenation it once had. I felt myself move from living to surviving.

After several medication trials and further investigations the team at Sick Kids recommended a functional hemispherectomy for our child. (you can read more about that procedure and what it is here). It meant whatever function he had retained post stroke on that hemisphere would be gone and he would have to relearn those skills. Some things like vision field, would be lost forever. I was scared, angry, anxious, and hopeful.

At the end of August, knowing that surgery was happening in the coming weeks I made a very difficult decision to temporarily close my private practice. My career has been closely linked to my identity for a long time. I take a lot of pride in what I do. Saying good bye to many clients and transferring others to colleagues was incredibly painful. It was a stressful time and required psychological preparation not just for our child but for our entire family.

After debating with myself for over a month I realized a harsh truth. If this were a client telling me what was going on, I would 100% support time off. I needed to practice what I preach. I needed a break. The only thing that I had the ability to remove from my load of responsibility was work. So that is what I did.

I am happy to say that the surgery in the fall was successful and the road to recovery has thus far been a positive one for our child. I have also been processing the multi-level traumas 2020 has brought with it. I realized that this year was really about two things: acceptance and acknowledgement.

I accept that this year was not what anyone planned or hoped for. I accept that what happened to our child and family was difficult and sad and scary. It was unfair. The pandemic, the epilepsy, the surgery, the lock-downs, all of it. I accept that I could not ‘do it all’, and should not.

I acknowledge that 2020 housed some of the scariest and most stressful days of my life. I also acknowledge that 2020 showed me just how strong I, and my family can be. We have grown tremendously and I know that the strength we have gained is something we never could have achieved without this year. Whether I like to admit it or not, the crises were a catalyst in growth and learning.

That is the funny thing about crisis. It really is the fastest way to grow and change. There is no better catalyst for growth and development. When I look back on this year and prepare for a new beginning in a couple of days I cannot help but be grateful for many things. My son is recovering well, my daughter is coping, my husband and I support and encourage each other. I have begun planning my slow return to work. We are all individually and collectively stronger and more resilient than we were one year ago. In many ways I wish to forget 2020, and in others, I am so grateful. It is a year that has taught me the most about myself, my children, my husband, and those around us. For that, I have to say, thank you 2020. You definitely won’t be missed, but you are appreciated for the lessons you taught us all.

I wish you all a very Happy New Year and All the best for a hopeful and healthy 2021 and beyond.

With Love,

Jen the Social Worker