Validation

Have you ever been fuming angry or terribly sad and gone to a trusted friend or family member for support? You tell them what is bothering you and they quickly tell you all the things you can do to make the situation better. “I feel anxious about x, y, z” is often met with, “Let’s do some deep breathing. You need to go for a run. Just relax, it’ll all workout…” and so on. The good intentions of our loved ones leave us feeling unheard and stung. On the other hand, how many times has someone you care about come to you to vent and your response is to offer suggestions, solutions and silver linings to their dark cloud? We do it, A LOT.

The reality is, when we are in a state of stress, anxiety, sadness, anger; whatever it is, we require validation/support. Our limbic system of the brain is engaged and our amygdala is firing. We lose the ability to access judgement and rational thought from other, higher functioning areas of the brain because we go into survival- fight, flight or freeze mode. When we vent to someone and they jump to problem solving mode they are not speaking to the limbic system. They are not speaking to emotion. They are focusing on what can be done to rectify a situation.

As the listener, we tend to jump from hearing and listening to problem solving really quickly when someone we care about is in distress. We want the distress to go away. We feel uncomfortable when others are upset. For generations we have been socialized to focus on problem solving as a way to combat this discomfort. What we are learning more recently is that we need to speak to the EMOTION. Validate what is being said, whether we agree with it or not. Whether it seems like a quick fix or not. Show that we hear and understand them. This allows the person in distress to feel validated; it calms the limbic system, reengaging the cohesiveness between the higher functioning areas of the brain.

The challenge here, is that it is uncomfortable to speak to emotion. We hate seeing loved ones in distress so we do whatever we think we can to solve the problem. Society is so solution oriented we think we need to solve the problem in order to be helpful. People have not been taught how to speak to emotions of others or how to validate properly.

The next time you have a conversation with a loved one who is describing a problem or difficulty they are experiencing try this: JUST LISTEN. Don’t DO. Hear what they are saying and speak to the emotion they are describing. No need to fix it. Let them know they have been heard. One might say, “Thank you for telling me. It makes sense you are feeling (emotion) because (reason) and because (reason) and because (reason). This is really hard. I am hear for you.”

In that excerpt above there is not one piece of advice. Not one promise that things will get better. No silver lining. It may feel uncomfortable to do this at first. It is hard to hold space that has negative emotion attached to it. In my personal and professional experience, the biggest concern typically is not the problem itself, it’s how the problem makes us feel.

Check out www.mentalhealthfoundations.org for excellent tips and resources on validation and other facets of Emotion Focused Family Therapy.

TIP: Don’t be afraid to tell those that you lean on for support how they can best support you. It is OK to say you don’t need advice, you need a listening ear and validation.

Until next time,

Jen the Social Worker